I went out presenting for the first time on Wednesday. I was planning on writing up a big, long post about my thoughts and feelings on the event, but while I was thinking I kind of stumbled; I realised I don’t have much to write at all.
It’s not like it wasn’t a momentous occasion. It’s not like my heart wasn’t pounding in my chest, my breaths shallow. It just… was. I passed a couple on my way to my friends house and all they did was glance in my direction. A young girl did the same - she looked at me, smiled, and walked off. No cars honked, no fists were waved, no very angry people came charging in my direction; nothing. I wasn’t trans, I wasn’t “female”, I was just me. I passed unnoticed by the general public, as if I wasn’t shaking in my shoes at the mere thought of being outside dressed the way I was. Nobody looked at me twice, no eyebrows were raised. I was totally, unequivocally female.
My friends were both excited and proud to see me as Sam, and they made damn sure I knew it, too - my male friends have never quite meshed with sappy declarations or affectionate statements, at least not to me. Of course, back then, we were men - now, I was one of the girls, and they treated me as such without prompting. A few more friends showed up - all female - and I was sat with them as the guys set about ordering pizzas and getting snacks ready for us. It was odd having my place in the group so rapidly shift as it did, but it was comforting. I was happy, happier than I’ve been in a long time. One of my friends claimed that it was the first time in over a year that he had seen me truly smile, truly relax, and I had to admit that he was probably right.
I didn’t want to go home once the evening was over. Being Samantha, outside of my own small apartment, outside of my own small bedroom, felt incredible. I never wanted it to end. I wanted to sit on the sofa with my friends for the rest of my life, feeling more comfortable with myself than I ever had before. I caught my friend sneaking peeks at my chest while I wasn’t looking, either out of wonder that his male friend had suddenly sprouted breasts overnight or because he actually just wanted to stare at my tits. I like to pretend it was the latter.
Well, I said I didn’t have much to write, but I kind of went overboard here. It was a huge day for me, and while it didn’t exactly end up as anything too special, I think that was what made it so important - it was just like any other day. Sam, hanging out with her friends, without a care in the world. I wasn’t gawked at, I wasn’t made to feel uncomfortable, I wasn’t subjected to a barrage of invasive questions. I was just happy. I get the feeling that happiness might start being a more regular occurrence around these parts soon, and that’s really all I could ever want.
Hey there everyone, or at least those of you who are left.
Due to a sudden increase in emotional instability, I have been laying low for the last little while. I guess, even though I’m still not quite ready to be back to posting full-time, I might as well write up a small update on how things have been going for me. Thanks for putting up with the long hiatuses between posts, it means a lot to me.
Transition-wise, all is well - the photo above is fairly recent, having been taken around a week or so ago, which is a pretty nice indication of where I’m at at the moment. I’ve been on hormones for just over nine months now, and it’s exciting to see the huge changes I’ve made in such a short amount of time. I’m still far too nervous to go outside presenting, and I am still not particularly happy with myself physically, but I’m getting there slowly, and that’s what counts in the long run. Progress is progress.
Mental health-wise, things have been pretty unstable for me for the last month or so. While I don’t much fancy going into the specifics, things have been hard for me - harder than they’ve been in months. I’ve been slipping back into some old routines that I thought I had broken out of, so I’ve been taking things slowly and trying to keep myself as stable as possible. I’m going to try and get my hands on some anti-anxiety medication soon too, as something of a safety net. I don’t plan on relying on meds, just using them as a crutch until I can safely rely on myself.
Thanks for sticking around. I knew my blog wasn’t always going to be the most joyous place to hang out when I made it, so I can’t say I didn’t see hiccups like this coming, but that doesn’t mean they’re not still hard when they hit. Thanks for not giving up on me when the going got tough, and I hope to be back on my feet soon enough. Talk to you then, guys.
I swear I’ll be back to happy blogging one day, guys.
Bluh, bluh. Whinging under the cut.
As I’ve been getting quite a number of questions lately, I thought I’d go ahead and knock up a pretty basic FAQ. It’s not the most lengthy thing at the moment, because, unsurprisingly, a lot of the questions I receive pertain to the exact same subjects. Funny, that.
I hope this comes in handy for any of you who are hoping to know some things about who I am or my situation without having to wait for me to get my butt in gear and actually answer your questions. Enjoy!
Bra shopping wasn’t as stressful as I thought it was going to be, in the end. The woman who did my fitting often helps trans women and cross-dressers, so it’s not like I went into the place as an oddity. She wasn’t exactly warm, but that didn’t really bother me; I wanted to get in and out of there as fast as I could, which is exactly what I managed to do. I came away from there with a fairly expensive but high-quality sports bra, and I have to say I’m pretty proud of myself. I was expecting to freak out and not even go into the place, let alone actually take my shirt off in front of someone. Confidence feels weird, but good. I think I’m coming along nicely.
Not to mention I look damn fucking good in this thing.
I hate how brainwashed I’ve become over the years. I’m so utterly terrified of telling people when they’ve upset me because regardless of what people tell me, it’s been proven that time and time again I end up abandoned when I make my feelings known. I feel guilty for feeling anything but happiness because I’ve been taught that when I do, I’ll be left on my own.
My life was so much easier before I started caring about myself. I just want to go back to not caring if people treat me unfairly. I felt safer back then.