It's Not So Scary Being Me

RSS

Posts tagged with "trans"

Nov 26

I thought this was an interesting comparison to make. The photo on the left was taken on the 13th of April, and the photo on the right was taken on the 23rd of November. I’ve changed so much over the last few months, and yet I don’t really feel I look that different at all; I mean, I can clearly see the differences, but they hardly even register. When I put these two photos back to back, all I can see are the parallels between who I am now and who I used to be. Sometimes, I feel like I more look like myself in drag than anything else. I feel like this is natural, though - depression has a funny way of making even the most incredible things in life seem grey. It’s not like I was ever even that masculine to begin with, so I can be fairly confident that it’s just my eyes playing tricks on me. I hope so, anyway!

I guess the main difference is that I’m just happier now. I’m more active and outgoing, I smile wider and laugh harder, and I’m more comfortable with who I am and who I was. I’m less scared, more often - I’m actually able to look in the mirror without hating what I see pretty much of the time, how about that shit? Fear ruled a better portion of my life for the last few years, and it’s only recently that I’m starting to take the reins back. Next year, I’m thinking of starting a TAFE course; if you had asked me at the start of this year when I wanted to go back to school, I would have probably replied “never”. Confidence and bravery feel fucking weird.

This post wasn’t meant to sound quite so melancholic or dramatic, but hey. I write what I know. I suppose it’s important to note that no matter how upset or depressed or anxious I get, there’s a growing part of me that knows it will all pass in time. Which is, you know, incredibly goddamn exciting.

Posted 5 months ago

3 notes

Nov 23
I think I look pretty damn good today, honestly. The woman at the door who called me “ma’am” must have thought I looked pretty feminine, too. With a new pair of flats in tow, I feel like I’m pretty much ready to go outside en femme for the first time. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually pass. We’ll have to wait and see. Today is a great day for self-esteem. God knows I’ve been needing one of those.

I think I look pretty damn good today, honestly. The woman at the door who called me “ma’am” must have thought I looked pretty feminine, too. With a new pair of flats in tow, I feel like I’m pretty much ready to go outside en femme for the first time. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually pass. We’ll have to wait and see.

Today is a great day for self-esteem. God knows I’ve been needing one of those.

Posted 6 months ago

8 notes

Nov 6
Well. I’d call this an improvement.

Well. I’d call this an improvement.

Posted 6 months ago

12 notes

Nov 3

I made up a little joke during this boygirl period, namely: What are the three stages of male-to-female transition? Step one: Hey, that guy looks a little weird. Step two: Hey, that person looks really weird. Step three: Whoa, that chick is ugly!

- She’s Not There: A Life In Two Genders - Jennifer Boylan

Posted 6 months ago

4 notes

Nov 1

Hey there, it’s [redacted, it was nice chatting the other night at [redacted]’s. Cheers to you coming out and being honest on Facebook, your bravery is inspiring! x

Well, holy shit. Another lovely text from another lovely friend. I didn’t actually expect people to care this much. I’m getting all misty-eyed, this is fucking ridiculous.

Sometimes I forget how supportive all of the people in my life are. I guess that’s pretty unfair, as they’ve never actually done or said anything that could really be misconstrued as unsupportive, but my anxiety and depression make that pretty hard to see at times. Days like today, though? There isn’t a doubt in my mind that these people are going to get me through this.

Posted 6 months ago

1 note

Nov 1

I finally changed my gender and name on Facebook, despite my churning stomach telling me that it probably wasn’t the best idea. Not five minutes after I edited my information and uploaded a new profile picture, I got a text from a very close friend of mine:

Just saw your facebook post, just want to say, well done Sam. Honestly, proud of you, this kind of thing takes alot of what most people don’t have.

I want to cry. I have so many amazing people in my life, and if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t still be here today. I’m still scared and probably will be for quite a while, but this is an amazing step. My confidence is growing by the day, and it’s all because of the little things like this.

Now I just have to hope that none of the bogan assholes from high school who added me on Facebook for completionism decide that I’d be an easy target for, you know, murder.

Posted 6 months ago

4 notes

Oct 31
It’s 32 degrees Celsius and getting hotter, my favourite necklace and earphones are broken, I just found a small hole on the front of my skirt and there’s extremely loud construction work going on right outside my window. This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays. In other more gender-related news, I am in serious need of a haircut. And a bra.

It’s 32 degrees Celsius and getting hotter, my favourite necklace and earphones are broken, I just found a small hole on the front of my skirt and there’s extremely loud construction work going on right outside my window. This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

In other more gender-related news, I am in serious need of a haircut. And a bra.

Posted 6 months ago

5 notes

Oct 29
So, I just wrote out some big, long post about how happy I am with myself lately and how nervous and excited I am, but Tumblr decided to be a fucking jerk and eat it. I’m not bothered to try and remember exactly what I wrote, so here’s the stripped-down version: This is the happiest I’ve been with myself that I think I’ve ever been. I actually feel like I’m ready to go out into the world presenting as female; maybe try actually living full-time for a week or so, just to see how well I cope and how well I’m received. I’ve starting exercising regularly and I’m losing weight at a steady clip, both of which are helping to boost my self-esteem to unforeseen heights. I’m still not exactly where I want to end up just yet, but this is an incredible start. I can’t wait for whatever comes next.

So, I just wrote out some big, long post about how happy I am with myself lately and how nervous and excited I am, but Tumblr decided to be a fucking jerk and eat it. I’m not bothered to try and remember exactly what I wrote, so here’s the stripped-down version:

This is the happiest I’ve been with myself that I think I’ve ever been. I actually feel like I’m ready to go out into the world presenting as female; maybe try actually living full-time for a week or so, just to see how well I cope and how well I’m received. I’ve starting exercising regularly and I’m losing weight at a steady clip, both of which are helping to boost my self-esteem to unforeseen heights. I’m still not exactly where I want to end up just yet, but this is an incredible start. I can’t wait for whatever comes next.

Posted 6 months ago

8 notes

Sep 23
Appearance update the third, I think. Things are starting to go scarily fast, and the last few days have been spent trying not to freak out about having to go to work tomorrow morning. My body is changing rapidly, and my chest is starting to really show through my shirts, but my workplace and mates know me as male. Not the best situation, but I’ll make it through. I kind of have to at this point! The top that I’m wearing here is a women’s large - bought for me by my mother in a show of good faith. It’s comfortable, and I’m amazed that it fits; a number of friends had been telling me my weight loss efforts have been paying off, but it’s hard for me to actually believe that sort of thing without some kind of proof, and I guess this works for that. The cleavage is cool, but I’m not too comfortable walking around in anything that isn’t a hoodie at this point. At home is fine; my mum is okay with me wearing whatever I want, but I’m scared of how the world at large is going to view me. I guess I’m still afraid of failure. Eventually I’m going to have to get over my fears and just go out there, no matter how scared I am. I think that day might actually be closer than I think.

Appearance update the third, I think.

Things are starting to go scarily fast, and the last few days have been spent trying not to freak out about having to go to work tomorrow morning. My body is changing rapidly, and my chest is starting to really show through my shirts, but my workplace and mates know me as male. Not the best situation, but I’ll make it through. I kind of have to at this point!

The top that I’m wearing here is a women’s large - bought for me by my mother in a show of good faith. It’s comfortable, and I’m amazed that it fits; a number of friends had been telling me my weight loss efforts have been paying off, but it’s hard for me to actually believe that sort of thing without some kind of proof, and I guess this works for that. The cleavage is cool, but I’m not too comfortable walking around in anything that isn’t a hoodie at this point. At home is fine; my mum is okay with me wearing whatever I want, but I’m scared of how the world at large is going to view me. I guess I’m still afraid of failure. Eventually I’m going to have to get over my fears and just go out there, no matter how scared I am. I think that day might actually be closer than I think.

Posted 8 months ago

6 notes

Sep 17

I went to get a new referral to my endocrinologist today, as my old one ran out. My regular GP was too busy to see me on such short notice, so I had to go and see a new one - something I’m usually very nervous about. I hate having to fill someone in on everything that is and has ever been wrong with me, just so that I can get what I need and leave.

We chatted for a while, and it didn’t take long for me to notice that she was using some odd language that didn’t really pertain to me - things like ovaries and the like. I just assumed that I had missed something, and she was giving me an example of something that I probably should have been listening to, until she finally asked me a question: “Are you taking the blockers to suppress your period?”

She had been told that she was going to be seeing a new transgendered patient today, but wasn’t told anything more than that; going off looks and voice alone, she assumed that I was ftm. She was embarrassed when I set her straight, but I was elated. I’m getting more and more feminine by the day, so much so that I’ve hit this kind of sweet spot of androgyny. People who know nothing about me are starting to err more on the side of female, and I couldn’t be happier.

This isn’t the first time that this has happened, either. At the airport, I was called “Ms.”, and at work, I overheard two of my coworkers talking about “That New Girl” they had ever met, referring to me. I didn’t set them straight - I was eavesdropping, after all! - but I still can’t get over how good it felt. My body is changing so quickly; I just hope that I can keep up.

Posted 8 months ago

3 notes